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How learning to say no can lead to living an inspired life. (Part one)

I have a project that kind of took a back seat as a result of Covid.

So, it’s been a while since I gave it any serious attention.

Recently, myself and the two other people I was collaborating with decided to take another look at it; one person in particular was really excited to get it up and running again.

But I realized… I’ve really been in this place of ease as of late; in fact, it’s my number one passion presently. This year I decided to do the Passion Test every single month and I’m loving it so far. Specifically, my number one passion for April was to feel at ease. (If you’d like to learn more about the Passion Test, you can check out my blog about it HERE.)

Every morning I read my Passion Test results out loud to myself multiple times, as a way of reinforcing them into my consciousness, so that I am aware of them as I move about my day.

All of a sudden what I realized with this collaboration was that it wasn’t feeling easy and it wasn’t feeling joyful. There was a part of me that was feeling drawn because it was familiar and because it was a dream that got put on hold, and yet nothing about it was feeling easy or fun. And so I came to the decision that I wasn’t going to move forward with it. Maybe down the road if that feeling changes I would, so I’m not saying I would never move forward with it. But until it starts feeling like it’s easy and in the flow…

Of course there are challenges all the time (that’s just part of life), but when I’m running up against this sort of resistance consistently… it was like every time I got on the phone with these people I just felt cranky.

And all of a sudden I was like: “That’s kind of a sign, isn’t it?”

And it just made me look at all the decisions and collaborations that I’ve engaged in, in my life. Where it’s just been push, push, push, push. I’ve been continuing to have waves upon waves of realizations this year regarding that pushing that I thought I needed to do, that is so prevalent in our culture.

I remember last Spring when a lot of people weren’t working and my work was getting busier. I had friends saying, “Oh, you didn’t get to rest for a month or two.” They were getting the stimulus checks. Not to say that people had it easy, but I had one friend who said, “I can’t believe all the pushing and doing I have been in for so long and I’m so grateful for this time.” She actually felt sorry for me, because I was working really hard.

And I was like, “Well, actually, I’m really enjoying my work.”

But it’s funny, because it flip-flopped. I had my sabbatical in January, and she actually allowed herself to get super busy again and didn’t have time for a phone call, or dinner and was having to schedule those out weeks in advance. At the time, I was the only person I knew that had the brakes on, taking things off my calendar: peeling things off all the time…

…and what I got to see was how the pushing kept me in situations that weren’t supportive to me for a lot longer than I needed to be.

I was so depleted and so on automatic and going so fast, that I didn’t have the ability to feel like I did with this particular decision (regarding my project). And I’m not saying it was an easy decision to make. Let’s be honest: it wasn’t easy. Decisions like that never are.

I didn’t look forward to the phone call I had to make the afternoon I came to that decision (to not go forward with the project), because this had been a dream on hold for basically a year. And so there was an attachment to it. There was an assumption that: “We’ll get back to that when Covid’s over.”

Things are definitely starting to shift a little bit here in Sedona and so, I’m not going to lie, there’s a small part of me that’s like: “Oh, was that really the right decision?”

But I’m so anchored into this place of ease that I’m not willing to sacrifice it or compromise it.

Ease is a visceral experience and the whole slowing down process has really brought my awareness to much more around: how does my body feel? So looking back at different situations last year, I can see that I wasn’t tuned into my body. Whereas, these past few months I feel like I’m really stepping more firmly into walking my talk about leading an embodied life, an inspired life.

It’s humbling.

But I am all about continuing to let go of any denial I find in me as it reveals itself. Denial, pretending. I am so grateful for the Radical Honesty piece (if you missed it, catch my blog on this topic HERE).

Be sure to watch for part two of this blog, where I talk more about this pattern of pushing, the masculine principle, and desperation vs. restfulness and how these different motivating factors play significant roles in how we live our lives.